EL Preperado de BEACH.

Today is the day that I make more promises to myself, starting with buying the film Frozen (CHECK, I did that last night….bitches love target, and by bitches I just mean normal awesome people of all genders). I also vow to purchase peanut butter Oreos (TARGET HAS THEM… therefore, I now have them aka DOUBLE check….I’m winning so far). I also promise to go to the beach more. I live at the beach- I'm literally like a mile from the water. I may run near or on the beach but I need to GO more, DO MORE, and BEACH MORE. In which case, let’s discuss proper local beach protocol, rules, must do’s, must DON’TS, and duhs because AMERICA’S BIRTHDAY is on Friday and you need to be ready. 

1. El Preparado de Beach: IF YOU want to go the beach, you must be prepared to get your beach on. I’m talking about the warm-up before the game, the turning your car on before you can actually go places, the work it before you twerk it, the toothpaste before you brush, the chicken before the egg…..actually, I’d rather not even get into that. IF YOU WANT TO BEACH you need to get your shit together.

2. Assemble your crew! You can beach solo but hands down, it’s a more enjoyable experience to be alone with other people. This is also a prime opportunity to bring new peeps into your group and let them try on your wolfpack. #circleoftrust 

     

     3. SUNSCREEN, duh. Seriously 30SPF or more is prime bronzing without the burn  
         when you are beach side. PROTECT YOSELF before you WRECK yoself!

 

4. SNACKS. Duh.

5. Beer or something DELICIOUS. I recently made a new drink. I call it a LIME ISLAND….I have no idea what was in it but it definitely included, but was not limited to, a shit ton of rum, a frozen limeaid container, 8 beers, 6 limearitas, ice, more rum, a little more ice. You’re welcome. 

6. Cooler, plastic cups, ICE, paper towels, black garbage bag: KEEP YOUR SHIT COLD, pour cold stuff into cups, hide evidence in bag. Ice makes things cold…SMART. #master'sdegree

 7. BEACH GAMES: An HLo staple is sand pong. GO to the dollar store and purchase 12 large-ish trash cans or buckets (I get the neon colors for more fun!), and water bombs. $13 dollars later, you’re set for the summer. Fill those suckers up with ocean, set-up like beer pong, AND YOU’RE WELCOME. This is also acceptable and super fun as a yard game and people will be like- “dude, that’s awesome.”  #notonpinterest #ididthis #probablynotthefirst#bearpong #damnit

8. Music. Figure it out because it’s hard with the sand. Find someone to volunteer as tribute….it’s no longer your problem and your epic tune devices are still sand free. Again, you’re welcome. #knowledgebombs

9. TOWELS/CHAIRS/UMBRELLAS: I’m not an umbrella person but skin cancer is real and I’m not about that. Make sure someone in your group brings at least one umbrella….this will allow you to place your flippy-floppies out of direct sunlight so you don’t have to pretend your feet are totally fine when you’re walking away on your scolding flippy floppies of pain. Additionally, place all coolers under the umbrella. Optimal Coolness = Optimal Awesome. 

10. ZIPLOCK SANDWHICH BAGS: Why? DUDE put your phone in that shit while at the beach. NO SAND, NO PROBLEMS and you can still use it in the bag. Yeah….I’m stupid smart. #mom’sidea

11 Floaties. Dollar General has the old school, blow-up, people size, Alligators. Am I getting one for the FOURTH? OH, HELL YES I AM. Festive, reliable in the ocean, can act as a pillow or comfortable ground lounging experience, and everyone will want to be my friend. #rememberwhenicouldbuymyfriends? #IMISSCOLLEGE

12. Jellies: Seriously, July is on the rise, WATCH OUT FOR THE JELLIES and make sure you have a good friend willing to pee on you. I hear vinegar also works…but, who brings vinegar to the beach?

13. FRIENDS don’t let FRIENDS get burned: REMEMBER TO REAPPLY SUNSCREEN. This is a good time to find someone you like to rub you down....or you know, spray you- whatevs. #DON’TFORGETTHEKNEES #iforgotmykneesonce #itwaslastweek

14. Bathing Suit Manners: DO: Wear something that fits. DON’T: Wear something that   
      doesn’t. #nailedit.

15. Out-of-Towners: Have out-of-towners hitting up your beachyness? If you don’t ice them immediately upon arrival that’s just rude. Never heard of Icing? We aren’t friends and Google or urban dictionary it ASAP.  Here are few gift bags I recently put together and hid around my house filled with ices for an out of town guest:

  

SO if you plan on beaching this summer, don’t say I didn’t warn you!!!  Seriously though, make good choices and stuff, like hydration and being truthful on your online dating profile. Stay Classy. Winkyface.