FOWO-DTS and You

Oh HELLO. Didn't see you there checking out my words. Notice anything? Yeah. It's been a solid year since the last time I had something to say. Am I sorry? Not really. Did I miss it? You betcha! I decided to not take Ferris Buller's advice and well, now I'm feeling that slowing down might be a good option. Mostly because I think for the first time in a year, I finally can do that. This is where one might say hashtagadultingproblems. HOWEVER, I shall refrain from said hashtagging to retain my credibility of blaming my absence on the fact that I'm usually five to 53 minutes late to any function purely because of the person that I am. In which case, semantics I say and let's talk about FOWO-DTS syndrome.

Yes, FOWO-DTS is becoming very serious for today's single Americans. I realized I had this syndrome about six months ago when I found myself feeling very more aware of my surroundings. Not sure if you have FOWO-DTS? No worries- let's get you some education on the topic via this interweb pamphlet I'm metaphorically handing you.

What is FOWO-DTS? FOWO-DTS is a curable syndrome that is derived from today's dating apps. We're talking tinder, bumble, coffee meets bagel, hinge, tinder and of course, tinder. Swiping left and swiping right is happening every second of every day across the country. When single Americans are trigger happy and finding, or not finding love, with a single swipe, the possibilities of familiar faces becomes HIGHTENED. FOWO (Fear of Working Out) and DTS (Due To Swiping) is real and I'm here to say it's OK.

I started noticing familiar faces when getting myself epically amped for my workouts via tredmill prepping to get those classy gainz. I would keep seeing new faces,  but familiar faces, everyday. WHERE was I seeing these bros before? And then, and THEN, it hit me. I swiped them. I mostly swiped no and then some of them were a swipe yes in the wrong direction. The kind of swipe that makes my heart go pitter-patter in hopes for a mutual match AND THEN no mutual match occurs. When this realization came to fruition, I could feel my face sink-in, my heart deciding to do its own cardio workout and my palms get grossly sweaty. Ew. Sweaty palms.

In this moment I felt like I was the Oprah of working out and swiping. YOU get a swipe and YOU get a swipe and YOU get a swipe- EVERYONE GETS A SWIPE!

Did these bros notice me? Do they recognize my face? Do I look like my pictures? Am I trying too hard? Did I swipe him? I should lift more weight. More weight is impressive. Shit, this is heavy. Damnit, I need to go down in weight. I am no longer impressive, now I look like an ass clown that doesn't know I'm doing....haha ass clown, good one. What are these? These are my hands. WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? The answer was simple, I had FOWO-DTS.

Seriously, not in my house. Lifting things up and putting things down is my place of no judgment. It's my place of lean with it, rock with it and get out of my sandbox. Hashtagdoesnotplaywellwithothers. I was determined to not let FOWO-DTS get in the way of my classy gainz. I was determined to not let the swipe get the best of me. So I know what you're probably thinking- HOW does one get over FOWO-DTS? Follow these five simple rules and you'll be on the path to success, confidence, swiping positively and feeling saucy. You're welcome in advance.

1. Enter the gym with a game plan: look FRESH as hell but not in the "I'm going to wear ALL the make-up to the gym kind of way". IF YOU don't know what to do with your hands, YOU DON'T deserve to have them! Just kidding, leave immediately and go find yourself a Chipotle to think about what you've done. Try again tomorrow. Mmmm Chipotle.

2. Start your gym-sesh with 20 minutes of cardio: this will give you time to a. create a game plan if you haven't already b. SCOPE OUT all of your possible swipe encounters c. decide if you need to be extra confident and attractive and d. grow a pair big enough to actually talk to said swipe. That way if it works out you can say you met at the gym #LoveAtFirstSquat

3. GYM BUDDY. Always have your Gym Buddy with you- no gym buddy? Workout during non-prime time hours. The Gym Buddy is a great buffer/affirmation specialist who should know your personal strengths and can pick you up when you need it most! #YAS #youhavereallyniceteeth #Iknowright?

MY BFF is all like:

And I'm all like:

4.  Brunch. Skip the gym and go to brunch. Because Brunch. Also comma Brunch. #Bottomless #Bottomless=unlimited #math

5. Pre-workout. BE SO amped you can't even recognize faces and all that's left is you and LIFTING ALL THE THINGS!

SO swipers, don't stop swiping. Don't let the man get you down. Don't let your swipes take the fear of lifting things up and putting them down in a public setting. If you can dream it, you can do it, and we'll do it....together. #DoItToItLars

You know what really Grinds my Gears!?!

You know what really grinds my gears?

1. Windshield wipers MID-SHEILD. HARD pass. In fact, if I accidentally park my car and the wipers have landed mid-shield, I turn the car back on—let those puppies go, then turn off the wipers and wait to ensure they have reached the correct and natural state of rest. #manners

2. 2^nd Trips. #DONOTEXIST

3. Their. There. And THEY’RE. #srsly #getyourshittogether

4. Practically EMPTY MILK cartons. REALLY? YOU LEFT a tablespoon of milk left in the carton? THAT’S ADORABLE. I had HUGE hopes and dreams that started with a box of cereal and ended with fridge-rage (like road-rage but directed to people I know really well and/or love and is done standing in front of an open fridge).

 5. The High-Five Blow-Off. Initiating a solid high-five with a top bro and that bro totally missed the memo. #awkwardhairfix #alwayslookattheelbow

 AND

 6. DRIVERS. Literally, everyone driving around me that isn’t doing exactly what I want and need them to do when I want it. #anywayyouwantitthat’sthewayyouneedit  #iswearlikeasailorwhilstdriving #ROADRAGE #buckleup! #turnsignalsarereal

7. Slow cross walk pedestrians. People LITERALLY walk slower. #inconsiderate #angryelf

8. Bills. Being an adult is hard and stupid. I quit. #profound

9. Paper cuts.

10. No Shoes FOR YOU. When you're trying on shoes and they have every size but the one you need....

11. UVA fans. Especially fans that never went to UVA. #commonsense

12. Internet Explorer.

13. Websites where music automatically starts playing and you can't find where to turn it off.

14. Dysfuctional straws.

15. When Netflix removes seasons from its catalog. #assholes

 
16. News that interrupts my regular scheduled programming.

17. Cabinets or Drawers left open. You know why I can’t odd? BECAUSE I CAN’T EVEN #real

18. Jimmy Johns Delivery. Now, everyone knows I just LOVE Jimmy Johns but HOW DARE YOU say you’ll deliver if you only deliver to a 1-mile radius. It’s not my fault you only have bike-delivery bros.#BULLSHIT #NICEcar #WILLdriveforJJ’s #numerocuatro=tukeytom

There’s obviously like way more things that grind my gears but the important thing is that ya’ll get a solid glimpse of my most current up-to-date peeves, you. are. welcome. OH and happy SEPTEMBER. Make good choices and stuff. #winkyface

The End of Summer: FINISH STRONG.

There are few things in this word that make me sad:

1. Sarah McLachlan’s save the animals commercials.

 2. The bottom of a peanut butter or Nutella jar

3. Realizing that you just binged watched an entire series on Netflix and the story ends right in that very moment and you have no idea how you will recover or find something equally as time-consuming or awesome.

4. Saying goodbye to peeps I genuinely have positive feels for a.k.a. LOVE.

5. Last but not least, the end of summer. It’s happening people. We can’t do anything about it- summer is ending and we need to take the time to cherish what little of it we have left. So to turn those frowns upside down, here are a few things you could do to make sure you’re ending your summer with a strong and super positive thumbs up:

END OF SUMMER TODO's

1. SHMOE out or GET OUT. A great AMERICAN (emphasis on the world’s Greatest Country) past-time is the S’more. Now in my line of living, this has been evolved into the shmoe- complete with its own complimentary song and dance. Have you not shmoed yet this summer? NOW IS THE TIME. Get JAZZY with your fire-pitting snacking with a REESES CUP instead of a normal chocolate bar. It’s like a Nutter Butter had a baby with a marshmallow. #GAMECHANGER You’re welcome in advance.

2. GRILL PARTY! OH heyyyy, BYOM (BRING YOUR OWN MEAT!) Nothing says summer like grilling-out and chances are you haven’t done enough of it! GRAB your bros and your ladies and be sure to get a few more B-Que’s in your memory book because nothing says “I love summer" like sharing meat with your top humans.#puns

3. TAKE yoself OUT to the ballgame. Seriously, going to a baseball game will COMPLETE your summer activity list if you haven’t gone already. IT IS ALSO an excellent date or group outing.  You can bro-out hard or be all suave with your potential significant other…HOW COULD THIS NOT BE AN AWESOME IDEA, uh it can’t.#jumbotron #DOTHAT

4. LABOR DAY, because you get to wear your 4^th of July Swag all over again. WHAT? YOU DIDN’T GET ANY? Not OK. Great news— sales on sales on sales! If your closet isn’t stacked with red, white, and blue, NOW is your chance! Get on my level people and get your FREEDOM on.

5.  CAMP OUT. With OR without your wolfpack, you can pitch a tent literally anywhere. I suggest the backyard, front yard, THE LIVING room, even your bed. Your people will be all like “What did you do this summer” and you can say all nonchalantly “I did some seriously epic things like camping. It might have been the best summer ever, nbd”. Not only will you gain envy points but you can give yourself a pat on the back for making your summer that much better. 

 

6. SPRITZERS for EVERYONE. Seriously, men and women alike can get behind this refreshing cocktail. Still not ready to jump headfirst into your fall beverages of choice? Have no fear. Grab a red or white wine, club soda, Sprite, Fresca, WHATEVER, ICE and frozen berries and it’s like Juicy Juice had a baby with carbonated, alcohol-induced awesome. This is a sure fire-way to say “HEY summer, I’m still here and seriously bro- I support you.” THE BEST PART- you can enjoy this refreshing number all year round. #YAY 

 7. LIGHTNING BUGS— childhood throwback right here. Have you caught any yet this summer? $5 bucks says you haven’t.  Are you competitive? Hell yes you are. Time to grab some bro’s and some spritzers and have yourself a competitive party where you are destined to be the winner.  Why? Because the only reason you want to have your humans over is just to win something. Tired of the lightning bugs? CARDS against HUMANITY or board games…whatever, just hit this competitive good time outside with some mood lighting or jar up those lightening bugs to really get your competitive juices going. This mentality will say “hey, I’m ready to play something new…but hey….I still won this bug game so…”

8. GIRLS NIGHT or Bro’s night- either way Now and Then or The Sandlot needs to be watched. It’s the perfect way to end the summer with your main summer squeezes. You may never chill with them again so make it memorable by mandating a ladies/bro’s only night complete with themed snacks. May I suggest round foods or only foods that start with the letter P…coincidentally, pizza is both round and starts with the letter P. #SMART #Ididthisinhighschool #nostalgia

9. SLIP ‘N SLIDE. Do you know when Slip N’ Slides stop being cool? Uh, ME EITHER. AKA DO THIS. In fact, these kids have the right idea. #doingitright #onesliponeflip #thisisthebest

10. And FINALLY, The End of Summer Party everyone has been a. trying to find someone to throw and b. get it over with so they can look forward to Saturday tailgates and football watching parties. YOU can be the cool kid and throw an epic end of season bash and/or get together. Throw on that country or summer music playlist one last time and end this summer season in style on/or around LABOR DAY weekend with your awesome red white and blue swag; complete with Shmoes, BYOM, a pick-up game of softball or wiffleball, perchance a tent or two, SPRITZERS, lightening bug competitions, an outdoor nostalgic film, and a friendly round of one slip, one flip...yeah all 9 todo's in one day just says "I'm a badass and HLo knows best." #GOODonya #nailedit

So sweet, sweet summer- it's not over yet but it will be soon. In which case, I challenge you to finish strong, to take my advice, and to make good choices....and stuff.

WEDDING SEASON: Fly Solo Baby Bird

Its summer and you know what that means….WEDDING SEASON. Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly because chances are you’ve been invited to at least one wedding or maybe someone has asked you to be their plus one. There will be dancing, CAKE, love, and hopefully open bars. But what happens if you receive an invite and that plus one option doesn’t exist? It’s time leave the nest and fly solo baby bird. You can do it and to get you prepared to get your stag status on- here are some tips and tricks to make sure you have your shit together. 

1. Make sure to RSVP to the wedding invite promptly and leave subtle notes that lets the bride know that a. you’re pumped and b. you’re super single.  Try using what the kids are calling hashtags these days to get your messages across. She’ll think you’re super with it and will only add to the life of her party. Clearly you were a good guest list must-have. #goodonya #fistpump

2. Fella’s get your hurrs cut, ladies get your nails did. I’m talking about the primpin’ before the pimpin’. It’s summer so don’t be afraid to go suave with the clippers and bright with the polish.  Ladies, may I suggest you shine bright like a diamond on the toes and get your tips French and FRESH. #fetchishappeningtoday

3. THE GIFT must have the perfect card that should reflect your personality. I strongly suggest swerving away from the traditional wedding cards to really standout.  For example the following card I just gave to one of my friends at her wedding:

4. El Preperado for your trip like a boss- you need to look fierce so DO wear something that says “I’m Fly as Hell and I need to take selfies like 5 minutes ago.” DON’T wear something that says “OMG Becky, look at her butt”. Obvi, oh and you’re welcome. 

5. Are you FLYING or DRIVING to said location? You know what- it doesn’t matter- just make sure you have AWESOME tunes to get you through and only the BEST snacks because you deserve it. #stressfulsituations #mistakesweknewweweremaking #hashtag

6. RESEARCH. AKA Stalk everything you can to find out the guest list. There’s nothing worse than going to a wedding single and not knowing anyone else. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL PEOPLE, so do whatever you can to find one kindred spirit who will either a. stand with you near the bar all night or b. stand with you by the cake all night…..I effing love cake. 

7. If you’re going to show up late for something, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT show up late for cocktail hour. #funhaver #OPENBAR #ineedtodrinktowobble #smart 

8. ALWAYS bring back-up shoes or just plan in advance. I wore fancy sandals that are actual fancy flip-flops at a wedding recently- do you know who looked at my feet? Uh- NO ONE….do you know who was still standing by the end of the night with a piece of cake and a look in her eye that said, “someone will love me someday” uh this girl because: comfortable shoes + cake = I love cake and my feet don’t hurt. #math #MASTER’SDEGREE

9. If you aren’t seated at the singles people table- HUNT. THEM. DOWN. Love is an epidemic and errrr bodayyy wants some. Find your target and engage immediately over cocktails….because you weren’t late for cocktail hour. #fullcircle #ohi’lljusthaveavodkatonicholdthetonic #selfie

10. Lastly, Stage 5. YES, stage 5 clingers are real. If you feel trapped, make sure the bride and groom know you love them and that you had an EPIC time. Like the best time….once this message has been relayed ABORT YOUR MISSION. There are plenty of other fish in the sea- DOWN PERISCOPE, DOWN. #cake2go

So seriously, I can’t tell you how exactly every wedding will go if you have to attend with a stag-status, but the important thing is that you remain calm, pumped, and effing ready to go. Just whatever you do, whatever you do- make good choices and stuff. Yay.