FOWO-DTS and You

Oh HELLO. Didn't see you there checking out my words. Notice anything? Yeah. It's been a solid year since the last time I had something to say. Am I sorry? Not really. Did I miss it? You betcha! I decided to not take Ferris Buller's advice and well, now I'm feeling that slowing down might be a good option. Mostly because I think for the first time in a year, I finally can do that. This is where one might say hashtagadultingproblems. HOWEVER, I shall refrain from said hashtagging to retain my credibility of blaming my absence on the fact that I'm usually five to 53 minutes late to any function purely because of the person that I am. In which case, semantics I say and let's talk about FOWO-DTS syndrome.

Yes, FOWO-DTS is becoming very serious for today's single Americans. I realized I had this syndrome about six months ago when I found myself feeling very more aware of my surroundings. Not sure if you have FOWO-DTS? No worries- let's get you some education on the topic via this interweb pamphlet I'm metaphorically handing you.

What is FOWO-DTS? FOWO-DTS is a curable syndrome that is derived from today's dating apps. We're talking tinder, bumble, coffee meets bagel, hinge, tinder and of course, tinder. Swiping left and swiping right is happening every second of every day across the country. When single Americans are trigger happy and finding, or not finding love, with a single swipe, the possibilities of familiar faces becomes HIGHTENED. FOWO (Fear of Working Out) and DTS (Due To Swiping) is real and I'm here to say it's OK.

I started noticing familiar faces when getting myself epically amped for my workouts via tredmill prepping to get those classy gainz. I would keep seeing new faces,  but familiar faces, everyday. WHERE was I seeing these bros before? And then, and THEN, it hit me. I swiped them. I mostly swiped no and then some of them were a swipe yes in the wrong direction. The kind of swipe that makes my heart go pitter-patter in hopes for a mutual match AND THEN no mutual match occurs. When this realization came to fruition, I could feel my face sink-in, my heart deciding to do its own cardio workout and my palms get grossly sweaty. Ew. Sweaty palms.

In this moment I felt like I was the Oprah of working out and swiping. YOU get a swipe and YOU get a swipe and YOU get a swipe- EVERYONE GETS A SWIPE!

Did these bros notice me? Do they recognize my face? Do I look like my pictures? Am I trying too hard? Did I swipe him? I should lift more weight. More weight is impressive. Shit, this is heavy. Damnit, I need to go down in weight. I am no longer impressive, now I look like an ass clown that doesn't know I'm doing....haha ass clown, good one. What are these? These are my hands. WHAT DO I DO WITH THEM. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME? The answer was simple, I had FOWO-DTS.

Seriously, not in my house. Lifting things up and putting things down is my place of no judgment. It's my place of lean with it, rock with it and get out of my sandbox. Hashtagdoesnotplaywellwithothers. I was determined to not let FOWO-DTS get in the way of my classy gainz. I was determined to not let the swipe get the best of me. So I know what you're probably thinking- HOW does one get over FOWO-DTS? Follow these five simple rules and you'll be on the path to success, confidence, swiping positively and feeling saucy. You're welcome in advance.

1. Enter the gym with a game plan: look FRESH as hell but not in the "I'm going to wear ALL the make-up to the gym kind of way". IF YOU don't know what to do with your hands, YOU DON'T deserve to have them! Just kidding, leave immediately and go find yourself a Chipotle to think about what you've done. Try again tomorrow. Mmmm Chipotle.

2. Start your gym-sesh with 20 minutes of cardio: this will give you time to a. create a game plan if you haven't already b. SCOPE OUT all of your possible swipe encounters c. decide if you need to be extra confident and attractive and d. grow a pair big enough to actually talk to said swipe. That way if it works out you can say you met at the gym #LoveAtFirstSquat

3. GYM BUDDY. Always have your Gym Buddy with you- no gym buddy? Workout during non-prime time hours. The Gym Buddy is a great buffer/affirmation specialist who should know your personal strengths and can pick you up when you need it most! #YAS #youhavereallyniceteeth #Iknowright?

MY BFF is all like:

And I'm all like:

4.  Brunch. Skip the gym and go to brunch. Because Brunch. Also comma Brunch. #Bottomless #Bottomless=unlimited #math

5. Pre-workout. BE SO amped you can't even recognize faces and all that's left is you and LIFTING ALL THE THINGS!

SO swipers, don't stop swiping. Don't let the man get you down. Don't let your swipes take the fear of lifting things up and putting them down in a public setting. If you can dream it, you can do it, and we'll do it....together. #DoItToItLars