A Day's Self-Reflection....

So there I was, sitting in my new office (Which is actually the guest bedroom in my mother’s house that I have taken-over temporarily. I have verbally signed a contract that I’d move my shit on command when she says that company will be staying since she decided to move to the beach and all of her friends only want to be friendly in the summer—and let’s face it, who wouldn’t?) while I bask in the shimmering sun beaming through the windows onto my desk— which is actually an impossibly old and indestructible plastic table which I claim to be the WHORE of all tables as it has seen the most action out of all my mother’s portable furniture.

But anyway, I was there, contemplating life. So I said to myself,

    

       “SELF. Today is a day of reflection. Let’s make a list…."

    1. I love myself and I hate myself, and I have a problem with being completely unoriginal and taking funny things to say from YouTube and the Harvard sailing Team. Fail….but my diet starts tomorrow.

 

     

    2. OUR DIET STARTS TOMORROW.

     3. Cookie.

     4. FACEBOOK is creepy. I love it. I’m on it ALL the time. I’ve decided to start de-friending people because in real life I have like five and a half friends. Three of them have to be my friends because they are my family. BAHAHA sucks to be you- you’re stuck with me….God said so. YAY God. High-five.

     5. Cookie Monster is the most disciplined and motivated creature on the face of this earth. He is witty, focused, relentless, and never fails to get straight to the point. If America were more like Cookie Monster, shit would GET done. Obama take notes….yes we can.

    6 . Cookie.

       

    7. I’ve been killing myself for 3-4 weeks with some serious sweat and awesome eating habits (for the most part) and I’ve only dropped 5 pounds…WHAT THE HELL!

     8. Cookie.

    9. THERE has got to be more to life than....I could really go for a cookie right now.

    10. If there are only 6 Oreo's left in the case then how many cookies will there be if I ate…OH MY GOD THE GIRL SCOUTS ARE COMING TO MY MOTHER’S HOUSE WITH MY COOKIES THIS WEEK.

2 hours later

So there I was, not sitting in my office in my mother’s guest bedroom at my slut of a table-I mean desk, getting things done... waiting. I was waiting by the window, p e e r i n g through the blinds like Wilson from Tool Time only way more creepy because NO ONE CAN SEE ME. I am INVISIBLE AND STEALTH and should absolutely sign-up for neighborhood watch since my eyesight is awesome now and when I’m 70 with my 9 guinea pigs, and 2 Chinchilla’s( each named TACO because I refuse to be a cat lady), I won’t be able to see a damn thing. It makes sense that I protect THE CHILDREN and citizens of my mother’s neighborhood NOW!

I’LL SAVE YOU!

But yes, I was waiting, waiting for the little girls to come skipping to my door with…my….cookies. MY COOKIES. MINE. mine. mine. Mine? MINe. mine, MinE% mine- Mine! mine?

And although I was waiting for the cookies and little girls to come skipping to my door it dawned on me that I MUST accept the things I CANNOT change. They will be coming, and when they do….I will be READY FOR THEM.

I Will. Be. READY.

In the meantime, while aimlessly realizing as time had passed and the girl scouts would NOT be coming to my door with MY COOKIES today, I decided to continue upon my self-reflection. So I said to myself,

“SELF! If you put HALF of the time an energy into working-out you could be...”

“COOKIE?”

And with that, I cursed silently in my mind with an infinity of curses to my superego called “self” whom will later become something that was formerly known as “self” like Prince or Ru Paul and stuff.... and the waiting game commenced.

Cookie.